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40 Things for 40
Today I turn 40! Guess I’ll have to update my bio so it doesn’t say “thirty-something” anymore….
I feel like it took me right up until the last couple of years in my 30s to really understand life and think “oh, THAT’S what it’s supposed to be about” thanks to all the many lessons I’ve learned, taught myself and observed along the way.
I thought what better way to return to the Internet than to share some of those things – not to be preachy or think I’m some kind of oracle, simply in the hope that someone reading this may see something that resonates and helps them navigate their own journey. I’ve also included a few pics – some are of happy times, some mild chaos, some of not so great times. Balance.
1. Having your shit together is an urban myth. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re in control and winning, sometimes you’ll feel like you have 50 plates spinning at once and it’s too much.
2. Don’t make permanent decisions off temporary emotions.
3. Comparison is the thief of joy, but so is chewing yourself up with anxiety.
4. You will not be thought of more favourably as an employee if you work loads of extra unpaid hours.
5. You are not a bad employee if you work the amount of hours that you’re paid to work, or for taking breaks (see point 4).
6. Your best years will be peppered throughout life, not just “when you’re young”.
7. Don’t feel pressured into being around certain people or in certain situations because you’re told you should. Your comfort level, your life, your choice.
8. Not every friendship will last a lifetime; some may not even last more than a day. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it.
9. Don’t get rid of every single item of clothing once you’re bored of it. In 10/15 years time when it’s back in style you may get seller’s remorse and feel the need to trawl ebay to try and buy it again.
10. Fashion and style are different – fashion is what is “on trend” for the moment, style is what you like to wear and how you like to wear it. Prioritise style over fashion.
11. You don’t have to be best mates with people at work, but you need to at least forge a professionally respectful and cordial relationship (and expect the same back).
12. Taking photos or videos doesn’t mean you’re not present in the moment, it means to you can relive the moment aftwards. Strike a balance.
13. There are some problems in life that are worth throwing a little money at (if you can) if you dont like dealing with them. For me, those things are DIY and gardening.
14. Your home does not have to perfectly decorated and curated within weeks of moving in. It may not even be finished within years of you moving in.
15. Love and hate take exactly the same amount of effort. Hate is not worth that much effort.
16. A little imposter syndrome is fine; it reminds you that you may need to learn new skills and develop to keep moving forward.
17. You can get a degree in your 30s that’s just as good as the people getting them in their 20s.
18. You can pass your driving test, and be a good driver, in your 30s.
19. You can be only useful to others if you’re looking after yourself properly.
20. Spending and saving are just as important as each other; you shouldn’t do all of one and none of the other.
21. If you don’t have to vacation during school holidays, don’t.
22. If you have an overwhelming ‘To Do’ list, give yourself the “rule of 3” each day – write down your top 3 tasks that you must achieve that day, and as long as you’ve completed them you can go home a winner.
23. If your partner is ruining your mascara because they make you cry with laughter, that’s a good thing.
24. A bad day, bad week, or even a series of bad weeks, doesn’t mean it’s a bad life.
25. Don’t ever close yourself off to meeting people or having new experiences because you think you have enough already.
26. Always own your opinions, don’t try and pass them off as someone else’s. We know that’s what you’re doing.
27. Respect that other people will make choices for their life that are different to yours and that you may not relate to.
28. Be actively present in the art of relaxing/doing nothing.
29. It’s good to look for silver lining, but realistically, you can’t reframe every situation into a positive. Sometimes you have to shrug your shoulders, say “well this is a bit shit” and do what you can to make the next day/week/month better.
30. Try not to treat simple acts of self care as a chore. Rather than letting your mood determine whether you do self care, let doing self care determine your mood.
31. What other people think of you is none of your business.
32. You don’t have to have the most amazing night of your life on New Year’s Eve, or the most productive/healthy/vision boarded first week of January for your year to be successful. You have 365 days to have fun and take whatever time you need to set your goals.
33. You mind doesnt necessarily age in line with each passing year. Your birth certificate may say you’re 40 but your mind still feels the same as it did when you were 17.
34. Looking back can be a good thing, you can see how far you’ve come and reminisce over good times. The trick is to know what you’re looking back for and what to leave in the past.
35. Don’t wait until you feel pretty enough, skinny enough, brave enough, to do the things you want in life.
36. “Impersonating Beyoncè is not your destiny, child”. This quote reminds me that we’re all unique and shouldn’t strive to exactly replicate someone else’s life because it ‘looks’ perfect.
37. If you don’t like content you see online, scroll past/mute/unfollow. Going out of your way to leave nasty and hateful comments will always say more about you than the person you’re targeting.
38. Advocating for change, for yourself, for an apology or to highlight poor service does not automatically make you difficult or a “Karen”. Please don’t let a fear of how you will be perceived prevent you from speaking up if it’s something important to you..
39. It’s not your age, it’s your stage. Just because others have done something at a certain age doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t do it at different age.
40. The meaning of life – described perfectly by Jimmy Carr, is this “enjoying the passage of time”.
Thanks for reading, here’s to chapter 40!
J xx
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Cool for the summer: hacks to help you through a heatwave
Friends, it is HOT. Or as we say I the fair city of Hull, “It’s maftin’ “
People like to berate the great British public for moaning about the heat, but let’s be honest – unless we’re on a sun lounger in swimwear sipping on something cold with our out of office firmly on, we’re simply not built. Our houses are built to keep heat in and without air-conditioning, and to be honest we never really know if and when the sun is gonna show up, let alone for how long or strong it’s rays may be.
So let’s make sure we’re prepared; not just with the water and spf, but with other little tips and tricks to make the days (and nights) a little easier to deal with. Some of these you may already know and be reminded of, some you may not.
Keep those curtains CLOSED
Keep your curtains closed where possible to and open your windows (my opening windows are at each end, so I just keep the curtains open a bit) this removes the glare of the sun and helps get a bit of breeze flowing around the room.
Get yourself a Cooling gel pillow
Image credit: asda.co.uk This is currently one of the best things I own (shout out to the Mr for buying it as a rogue gift recently). Simply pop it in the fridge for a few hours and then lay it flat on your pillow or underneath your back and it’ll stay cool for an hour or 2 as your starting your sleep routine (My pal Alex lives in Greece and is a trainee sleep coach, she also suggests putting your pillow case in the fridge). If you WFH the gel pillow can also rest very easily against the back of a chair of cushion and give you a bit of discreet cooling relief whilst you’re doing your virtual meetings.
Invest in a cooling spray
This can either be a specific cooling spray specific cooling spray or a water-based mist (like the Evian one thats been a cult fave since the 90s), I usually carry one of these as an everyday handbag essential year-round. Even a to-up spritz of your SPF if you’ve had it in the fridge (another tip on how to keep your SPF cool a bit further down) will feel refreshing.
Crack out the thermal tumbler
Thermal tumblers will usually keep things cold as well as hot, so use them out whilst weather is warm! They’re great for taking ice coffee/tea to the office (the one I’ve linked above is the one I have an use for this), or even just making sure you drink of water stays cold at home and the ice doesn’t melt in 0.6 seconds. I’m not sure if you’re supposed to do this, but I sometimes pop mine in the fridge for a little bit so that it’s also nice and cool to touch.
Apply any kind of cucumber moisturiser
Image credit: The Body Shop There’s a reason that people put slices or cucumber over their eyes (to cool and soothe them, just to be clear) and experience has taught me that applying anything containing cucumber onto my body literally makes my skin freeze. Aloe Vera gel that’s been in the fridge for a while also does the trick nicely.
Ice pack your summer essentials on the go
Pop some ice packs into the bag with your spf/cold drinks etc and they’ll stay cooler for longer whilst you’re out and about at the beach/park/shopping. Choose an ice pack that’s solid or has a robust outer layer so that it’s less likely to burst and soak all of your things.
Go to the cinema
This has been my secret weapon for years! On a hot day very few people will want to be there but usually they have air-con, massive cold drinks and comfy seats in a room with no windows. To me, it’s a no-brainer.
Hopefully there’s something extra here that helps! In the meantime stay hydrated, top up your spf and wear something light and airy.
Thanks for reading,
J xx
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And just like that… I’m sharing thoughts on the next chapter of the Sex and the City franchise
…and just like that: Carrie and her pals have finished their latest run on the small screen.
It’s been almost 2 weeks since the latest installment of the SATC franchise drew to a close, so you may argue I’m a bit late to the party in terms of sharing what I thought about it. Not so. I’ve merely decided to sit back, think about what I saw for a bit first rather than just react.
What I liked
- Fashion moments: Of course fashion was going to be on here; it’s part of the franchise’s charactet! I use the term ‘moments’ because there were a lot of looks I didn’t care for. But hey, fashion is subjective! My personal fashion highlight wpuld be that UNREAL orange moment on the Paris bridge – it was a quintessential Carrie Bradshaw look for finally saying goodbye to Big and reclaiming her sense of self as single woman.
- Big’s early departure: For me, this hit the same way that Scream did when they killed off Drew Barrymore’s character in the first scene – unexpected twist that grips you into thinking “jeez, wtf else could happen after that? Better keep watching”. And, to be honest, there hasn’t been a single part of the SATC yet where Carried and Big have sailed through without something, has there? It took 6 series of making up and breaking up, the first film where he jilted her and she cut him out until then very end, the second film where she had insecurities and ended up kissing Aiden in Abu Dabi. Did we we really predict that they’d make it through this part of the story unscathed?
What didn’t work for me
Image credit: New York Post - Lack of development for the secondary friendships: for really the first time in the franchise, we saw main characters pursue and develop friendships outside of the group. But, for the majority of time at keast, those relationships didn’t really progress or be pivotal to the overall series. Dare I say that they appeared to be present merely to tick a few more boxes in helping to make the show more well-rounded? Not simply because of any ethnic representation, but to enhance the traits of those they were attached to. Seema was single in her 50s and struggling with it like Carrie. Lisa/LTW feeds into Charlotte’s image of being a ‘have it all and look effortless’ aspiration whilst still be human and having some wobbles behind the scenes. Nya represents the side of Miranda that’s studious and questioning over their life choices (in this case, having a child).
- Miranda flip flopping her opinions: She was against pot, then it was fine providing she didn’t directly smoke it. She cheated on her husband when she used to find infidelity deplorable. She didn’t want to be in a conventional relationship but then tried to put herself in one. She wanted to study and help people with her legal knowledge but gave it up to support Che’s career ambitions in LA. She let her hair go grey (which I thought looked great, by the way) and was sticking 2 fingers up at societal pressure for women to “age gracefully”, but dies it back red at the end. I have some more thoughts and theories in the next section that help me rationalise some of her behaviour, but as a passive viewer wanting some light entertainment, it was kinda frustrating.
- Brady’s sex scene: no, No, NO! Firstly, teenagers don’t have the knowledge or skill to be that gymnastic in the bedroom. I was a teenager once, I knew other teenagers, not a single one of us knew a male our age who had the sexual prowess of young Brady. It was also highly unnecessary – the show isn’t called sex and the city so sex wasn’t implied.
What I feel came under undue criticism
- Miranda leaving Steve: As an OG SATC fan, this kind of didn’t surprise me, it shouldn’t have surprised anyone really. Throughout their relationship Miranda has had bouts of uncertainty about subscribing to the traditional paradigms of marriage and family life – she didn’t want to have children, have her child baptised, get married or buy a house outside of Manhattan. After submitting to all of those thing eventually, at some point she was always likely to swing back round and have some kind of self crisis about what her life had become. I read another article that described Miranda as Steve’s Mr Big in that he was always chasing after her as the not quite attainable figure to fit his ideal of the perfect life, and I can get on board with that. With regards to the cheating, a lot of people have levied claims of hypocrisy at Miranda as she got upset when Steve did it to her in the first film. Reading into this like the English/American Studies grad that I am; it could be argued that Steve’s prior indiscretion had altered her previous attitudes on fidelity and she now feels it can be justified if your relationship is unfulfilled. Steve wasn’t getting enough sex so he boinked a random, she felt unfulfilled and banged Carrie’s boss in the kitchen.
- The main characters not having a firm grasp of modern day protocol: as hard as a lot of people try to be respectful of pronouns, sexuality and religion, we’re human and sometimes we get it wrong. It’s perfectly feasible that women in their mid-50s who haven’t had exposure to that kind of diversity before aren’t going to get it on the first go. But we saw the maim characters try to educate themselves in the best manner they knew how. I personally found this aspect of the show relatable; even though I’m 20 years younger I’ve shared a lot of the same thoughts and experiences. If the main characters would have had everything spot on throughout series, writers/producers would’ve been criticised for not portraying an authentic experience of that generation.
Overall, I liked the series. Yes there were some bumps along the way (as many a good series have experienced before it) but be fair – its the first season of a show based on another show from the nineties trying to be relevant in the modern day whilst trying to stay true to the original heart and sole of the brand. Its a tough sell, one that was always going to disappoint someone.
So I couldn’t help but wonder: what’s next for ‘…And just like that’?
I think the show will ‘carrie’ on to a second series. I think we may start to see one of those secondary character’s come into the fold more as a main character to bring back more of a foursome dynamic (I’m liking Seema for this as she has a Samantha Jones energy about her).
I think we’ll see more of Carrie as she really starts to navigate her way through the dating scene again in her 50s (I don’t know if I see her staying with the hot producer guy but I would love it if she did) and how she combines her current experiences with her new podcast which I think will become more like her column and start to gain traction amongst some of her OG readers as well as younger new listeners.
I think that Miranda could have another crisis of confidence after returning from LA with Che; having put her goals on pause for somebody she loves and now questioning ‘what about me?’. I don’t think there’ll be anything groundbreaking happening for Charlotte, I think we’ll just see more of her going about her business and being Charlotte.
Finally, I predict we won’t be seeing a re-cast of Samantha. After Carrie meets her for cocktails in Paris they’ll start to rekindle their friendship and continue their text relationship, which will become more frequent. Carrie will try and lean on Samantha to do more, to be more – come back to New York or be on her podcast etc, and that will refracture the relationship a little bit.
So that’s me, keeping an balance mind and optimistic heart for the franchise to continue.
Thanks for reading,
J xx
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Location, location, location or impractical, unrealistic and impetuous?
I’m sure you’ve heard about Kirsty Allsopp’s recent comments on young people buying a property. If you’re not inclined to read the article, lemme break it down for you:
- Kirsty stated that young people could easily afford to buy a property if they cut out luxury expenses such as Netflix, gym membership, coffee and going on holiday
- Kirsty believes that we’ve fallen into a trap of saying buying a property is impossible for everybody, when it’s more a case of ‘where’ you can buy, not ‘if’ you can buy
- Kirsty herself bought a property at age 21 with family help whilst living in an era of 15% interest rates, low salaries and modest expectations of lifestyle
So is she right?
I have many, many opinions on this that are all very differing! But first, a bit of context – I spent a large portion of my career working in financial services (some of which was as a mortgage adviser) and am pretty cautious about budgeting/spending most of the time. However, like Kirsty, I bought my first home at age 22 with help from my family whilst earning a fairly low salary. I also live in the Hull/East Yorkshire area, which is widely touted as one of the most affordable places to live in the UK.
There’s a lot to unpack within Kirsty’s comments, so I’m going to take them point by point. A reminder that these are my personal opinions; based on research I’ve done on this case, my industry knowledge and the experiences of myself and those around me.
1. People could afford to buy a property if they cut out luxury expenses
So, to read that as a standalone statement is arguably 100% correct. If we’re trying to buy something expensive and we’re not the secret millionaire, we need to budget and save to do so. We know this. But, if we taking a deeper dive, the examples and generalisation of the comments are where some of the argument starts to unravel.
I think that Kirsty could’ve been trying (not very successfully you might argue) to levy her comments at a group I’d refer to as “champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget”. These are the folks who curate an image of an outwardly ostentatious existence – head to toe designer attire, VIP table at the hottest nightspots, driving a top of the range car and jetting off to the latest trendy destination. All of which, is documented on social media. Potentially spending all of their disposable income in a manner that in no way contributes towards being a future homeowner. And that’s their choice to make. Everybody has their own set of priorities, and for some this doesn’t include owning their own home from a young age (or maybe at all). There are many places around the world where renting for the long term is a standard practice and view the innate desire to buy a home as quite unusual. Maybe some young people just want to have a few years of being young; going out, making memories and learning a bit about the world, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
The main misfire what Kirsty’s saying is the examples she’s used when describing luxury items – streaming services, coffe-shop coffee, gym memberships and holidays. These are things many of us have and do, but not always to excess, and are things most people would re-assess or reduce if they were saving to buy a property already. However, I geuinely believe that completely cutting everything “non-essential” is not only unrealistic but unhealthy. Going to work day in, day out and not having ANY kind of release to relax and enjoy your downtime a little? Because that’s all it is in a lot of circumstances, a little bit. As I said earlier, everyone has priorities – for some this means hitting the gym a few times a week, a weekly coffee date with pals or having an hour with your family each evening to watch your favourite Netflix series. All experiences that contribute towards having a happier and more fulfilling life. A house should be the icing on the cake to your life, if it’s what you want, not your whole reason for being.
My personal opinion has always been this – what’s the point in buying a house if all you can afford to do is sit in it?
2. It’s not a case of “if” you can afford to buy, but “where”
Again, the statement said by itself does hold a ring of truth. I know lots of people who have bought their first property in an area they can afford rather than the one they would prefer to live in. Their priority was to get on the property ladder as soon as possible, so to them it was a sacrifice they were happy to make. But, being from a very affordable area of the UK, the difference in location was very short. In other areas of the UK, it be not be quite so simple. There are other things to consider in when you’ve move – the location of your support network, your place of employment and how you can get to and from the places you need to. If you rely on family for childcare and they live 50 miles away, is a change of area likely to be feasible? I have an example of this in my own family. 3 years ago, my mother decided to move to the next county. There, she was able to buy a large property for much less than it would’ve cost where she lived before. The new property is 20 miles away, across a large bridge and hidden in the depths of the countryside, vs the 5 miles away she was before. She’s the primary carer for a family member who, in the event of an emergency (and there have been a few since she upped sticks) is now a 45 minute drive away with the risk that the bridge could close in the event of damage ir bad weather. That move, although it seems minor on paper, has caused difficulty within the family support network that she’s part of.
3. Buying a property with family help
Simply put, It’s just not that easy. I’m know that I was fortunate to have had help to buy my first home, and I’m very aware that it’s not something everybody is afforded. Some families can’t afford to help, some may not want to help.
And it’s not just getting on the property ladder; its making sure you can afford to live there too. Once you’ve bought the house there’s monthly bills to pay, furniture to buy and the cost of fixing things that break, such as the boiler.
In conclusion – I think that Kirsty’s comments were a bit too general and lacking in any context to the present day experience of being a young person or buying a home. My understanding is that the people she helps on TV are presented to her and ready to go: deposit saved, know what they can afford and a set of criteria for her to work with. Perhaps it would be advisable for her to concentrate on the area that she’s the expert in and leave the financial and mortgage advice to those expert in that area.
My final thoughts are these: it’s not your age, it’s your stage. There’s no set age by which you need to have bought your first home, getting married, have kids or do anything life changing. Why rush into the most expensive purchase of your life just to keep up with an imaginary timeline of what your choices should look like by a certain point? Goals are great but make them to suit YOUR life and YOUR terms, then make the best decisions you can to help you achieve them.
Thanks for reading,
J xx
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What wardrobe staples do we need post-lockdown?
In January 2020 (I was about to type ‘last year…’ and then realised, nope) I wrote this post about which clothing items every gal should have in their wardrobe.
Life has changed a bit since then though hasn’t it!
As I re-read the post back, I thought “Have my clothing needs and wants changed since then?” And yeah, they probably have a little bit, and I imagine I’m not the only one who feels like that. So I’m doing a ’22 remix – the key pieces of clothing I feel I need to function and feel good in my life:
Blazer
I’m all about a piece that’s a good ‘throw on and go but looks like effort was made’ and a blazer is that for me. I usually prefer one that’s a proper fit (as in not oversized) and doesn’t have anything too fancy about it so it’ll go with a lot of other things in my wardrobe. This one is from Simply Be (it comes in quite a few colours- I also have it in pink and white) and I’ve gotten lots of wear out of it in the short time I’ve had it.
Stompy ankle boots
I mean, I think any kind d of black ankle boot is a must, but the past year or 2 something a bit tougher has been my go-to because they go with virtually everything in my wardrobe and I’m less likely to fall over. The ones I’ve been living in for the past few months are from New Look (sold out now but this pair from ASOS are very similar) I’ve also got some with faux pearl detail on similar to these.
A selection of belts
I’m not talking loads of belts! I have some with gold and silver hardware, some with more details and some that are simple. The idea is to use them to elevate or elongate a look or change the shape of an item. The styles I wear most are this one from River Island that I’ve worn to death for every occasion, and this one from ASOS which is a bit chunkier and more casual
Black jeans
Any shape that you prefer, any texture/magerial that feel most comfortable in. I’m still very much a basic stretchy skinny jeans gal on the daily because they work for the office, the weekend, evening, everything.
Cross body bag
Doesn’t require use of hands and can form part of the outfit. My current go to is this one from New Look.
A dress that can be dressed up or down
Before I specified certain kinds of dress, but I’d just say a style that YOU feel good in. For me that’s usually something tiered and midi length. I’ve bought a few really good ‘can do day or not’ frocks this year from Simply Be which is where this one is from.
Matching (and cosy) loungewear
Rather than just leggings and sweatshirts (of which I still have and wear often) I’ve found actual loungewear to be my preferred option at home. When it’s a little chillier I’m the morning or right before the heating is due back on, having something in a snugglier fabric has just made things feel that bit nicer. I’ve enjoyed wearing sets like this one from Boohoo because I like a bit of a matchy matchy situation.
Boujee PJs
The kind I’m referring too aren’t for sleeping , they’re for those days when you’re at home and just want to feel a bit extra! Some silky or satin feeling is always a winner – I love nothing more than to wear this silk robe from IDentity Lingerie (gifted for a previous collab) to do little more than a face mask and binge-watch a box set. I’m also a big fan of feather PJs which, if you get the right pair, you deffo can leave the house in.
I’m definitely not a capsule wardrobe kind of a gal, lord knows I’ve tried! But I do have some preferred methods of doing things, which are these:
– I tend to go by the mantra “if the shoe fits, buy it in every colour” – if I find a style of clothing I like, I’m highly likely to buy it in at least 1 or 2 other colours! – I try to shop more responsibly and only buy clothing I really love and believe I will get a decent amount of wear out of. – If there’s an item of clothing I see on social media that’s been gifted to somebody a similar size to me, I’ll see if they have a Depop/Vinted account and are selling it on. I’ve done that a few times in the past year and it’s saved me ££ for something practically brand new. – I don’t beat myself up if I impulse buy a couple of items here and there. If it turns out I don’t like it or haven’t worn as much as I though, I can return it, sell it on or donate to charity.
Thanks for reading,
J xx
About Me
I’m Jenny, nice to meet you. I’m a thirty-something who likes fashion, holidays and wondering about life. A lot.
Jenny Chat 